Advice for Our Sexual Culture: Part II

Answering your questions on the necessity of a "hoe phase," partner anxiety, the limitations of digital romance and adult virgin insecurity.

Happy Valentine’s Day to my beloved readers. I hope that no matter how you’re spending the day — and no matter with whom — you’re able to make the best of it. Last night I attended a Valentine’s Day party hosted by Cosmo and Bumble with my dear friend

Camille Sojit Pejcha

, at which I had too much fun. On the train ride there, the emergency break was pulled and I was trapped under the East River for half an hour. I spent the entire time trying not to panic, but at the end of the ordeal the man sitting across from me revealed himself to be a reader of this very newsletter! That’s probably the coolest thing that’s ever happened to me!

I also discovered that I was apparently on Fox News yesterday — a clip from my recent panel at the University of Chicago’s Institute of Politics on the gender war was shared highlighting how fellow speaker Clay Travis “schooled the Dems” that evening. Well, alright! You can watch the livestream of the entire panel below.

One final thing: because I love Valentine’s Day, I am offering a little discount on paid subscriptions this weekend only.

Now on to this week’s questions!

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Do you think it’s essential for every woman to have a hoe phase in order to learn more about what works for them in relationships (both sexually but also emotionally)? Are women putting themselves on the back foot if they don’t date widely and make the most of sex positivity - especially if the men around them are? — 25, woman, London

Our current culture puts far too much emphasis on novelty. Novelty isn’t inherently good or bad: it is just new. And sure, yes, that can make it fun and exciting — but it can also make it uncomfortable and cheap. For some people, novelty truly is their main priority. They want to sleep with as many people as possible, experience as many new sexual scenarios as possible, and continue to do so until their interest wanes or their bodies fail them. And that’s totally FINE! But it’s false to think that this has to be the priority for everyone. I believe a significant reason why many young women are unhappy in the current dating climate is because sex positivity has told us we ought to lean into the novelty and go through a “hoe phase” and experience “sexual liberation” when it turns out, that’s not actually all that liberating for all of us! Many women prefer long-term monogamy, and that doesn’t make them prudes. This is especially true in a time when you’re likely to be digitally connected to the people you hook up with and strung on in situationships. We’re forced to form emotional connections with people we might otherwise just sleep with and move on. For plenty of people, the hypothetical knowledge or pleasure we might gain from a hoe phase is more trouble than it’s worth.

I do think there’s value in dating or at least interacting with a variety of men to better understand yourself and your desires for a partner, but it’s also not completely imperative. You don’t need experience or background research to find love and contentment. If you’re happy, you’re happy. Don’t let the narrative of novelty betray that.

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Is being a virgin a "red flag" when dating? I'm a bit insecure about it, but I've been told that being a virgin can be considered a red flag without a decent elaboration as to why. I get there are pros and cons, but I'm not sure if I would consider the cons as a "red flag" necessarily. I'm wondering what are your thoughts on it. — 28, male, USA