Insta-Cucked

What do the people messaging me on Instagram asking me to cuck them hope to accomplish?

I always check my message requests. Both on Instagram and Twitter, I have the unfortunate compulsion to want to know what people are saying to me. In these message request folders, sometimes there will be compliments, insults, essay-length responses to something I’ve written and the occasional offer to send me money. With some regularity over the last year, however, I have been receiving messages from people asking that I cuck them.

How exactly would I do this over Instagram DMs? This is something I’ve been pondering, but frankly, I’m not interested enough in the concept to actually find out. However, I do think that it points to two specific compulsions that feel very of-the-moment in contemporary desires. The first is that of inserting yourself into the sex life of a stranger online with whom you’ve developed a parasocial relationship. The second is the compulsion to rid oneself of choice and agency over their sexuality, foiled by an unwillingness to do anything more to achieve that state than opening an app on your phone.

To be clear, the messages I receive on the matter usually go something like “Can you cuck me?” or “Can I please be your cuck?” They aren’t even saying hello first. What mystifies me about this approach is that, from my perspective, part of the appeal of consensual cuckolding is the relationship you’ve established with a person. One can’t experience the pleasure of denial if there is nothing to even deny them of, and that’s precisely what I offer to these random men online in this context — nothing.

For them, however, they may not see this as being the case. I am a writer that has opened myself up to many of the niches I’ve written about, and have cultivated an audience of many from these niches in doing so. This is what happened when I originally wrote about r/CensoredForBetas last December and decided to embrace their interest in me and my work. I enjoy those within this audience who approach me respectfully, and of course enjoy those who like occasionally buying me gifts or sending me cash. I also just enjoy having more readers! Allegra Hobbs and Mark Stenberg have each reported on the phenomenon of journalists also functioning as influencers for the sake of their careers, and though I don’t see myself as a journalist or an influencer, I think it still speaks to what is happening here. I am a writer engaging with the topics I write about and selling myself on social media accordingly. So, I do understand why the aspiring cuck may see me online, see what I’ve written about and think “she’s the one to do this.” But again, this is a fundamental misunderstanding and misplacement of their own desires.

When someone wants to be cucked, they want to feel powerless. They want to feel as though they are being stripped of something. In the context of my last two installments of Many Such Cases, it seems obvious why this would be of interest to many young men who may feel both overwhelmed by the breadth of choices for their sexuality (both in porn and in real life) and may still also feel as though they are already not in control of their choices (in this case, namely with porn). Actively deciding to be powerless in the form of cuckoldry is a way of reclaiming that agency by intentionally relinquishing it. Unfortunately, DMing a random woman on Instagram flat out to cuck you is not an adequate method of pursuing this, though it may seem efficient. I suspect many of these men have little idea how they would begin to understand or engage with this desire beyond porn and social media, because these are the only two avenues through which they engage with their sexuality writ large.

What I’d like these men who message me to ask themselves is, what’s in it for me? Some abstract sense of authority and domination, sure, but of what value is that when I know nothing of what I’m even dominating? Wouldn’t it be a fun little fantasy for these men, though, if it really were that easy, if all it took to get me interested in dictating their sexuality was the exchange of a single message? I actually find it rather insulting — it’s ultimately a purely selfish, lazy request.

But again, this all is a side effect of being a public-facing writer, of covering what I cover, of being a woman online. It’s a side effect of a massive population of men whose entire sexualities are located on the Internet. I genuinely hope these guys are able to form healthy, real-life relationships where they can be cucked by somebody else. Because to answer their question: no, I will not cuck them.