Living with two distinct personalities, one that has to show solidarity and nonchalance online, and another that inwardly yearns for connection and romance, is depressing in its own right. No one gets a chance to rest in their identity, to just follow a path and reap the rewards of it. The whole act is so tiring that it's easier to opt out and let the exhaustion overtake the passion. Vulnerability is now so public and so high cost that the risk/benefit math just doesn't outweigh sitting at home and consuming content anymore. We've got to break out of this little Fear Cave and take risks again, both social and emotional.
Sex in the Age of Appearance (the internet age) has now been distilled to its ultimate essence: no sex! Surprise, surprise, how convenient for the forces of unbridled monetization. How about we turn it off, so we can get turned on (again)?
i've heard from plenty of guys that they don't want to date women because they don't want to be the subject of a ranty TikTok. so yeah, dating today feels like navigating a mine field. one wrong move and *BOOM*
and i also blame social media for a lot of this. people have always wanted outside validation for the choices they make, but in the before times, these were people who were in your social circle in real life i.e. friends and family who usually knew and understood the nuances and context of your relationship. now we want validation from literal strangers; people who we have never met and very likely will never meet. not only that, but these strangers can often number in the millions. pile ones from this is vastly different than a friend or relative critiquing your boyfriend.
at this point, i honestly believe the human brain just wasn't meant to access this much information from this many sources.
part of the problem now is people go out of their way to embarass people with romantic feelings. i've seen many, many screenshots from dating apps posted online to basically say "Look at this fucking loser!"
of course people don't wanna be embarassed in front of millions on Twitter or whatever
Youβve made this point in past posts, but I do think that the fundamental difference between young women with an anti-men/dating mindset and groypers is the foundation of institutional harm that comes to women in relational and sexual spaces. Not saying you have to acknowledge this every time, but felt worth resurfacing here. At the same time, I do agree that we (young women and those dating men) have to actively resist the urge to stoop to the level of incels. Not necessarily for the sake of taking the high road or the more elegant solution to avoid looking angry, but for the sake of adopting an attitude that is conducive to effectively improving and repairing gender relations in the long-term.
To ignore the institutional harm that's been going on for as long as we can remember is why I can't take the notion that it's "the inverse" seriously. It's not the inverse when no institution exists that harms men and boys the same way as women and girls.
Women reacting as they are now, being embarrassed to be seen liking men, is way more normal and safe for women than men and their assertions that women are to blame for their lack of agency and forward momentum in their lives.
I understand that, and I have addressed repeatedly throughout my work that misogyny and misandry are functionally and materially not the same thing. However, I nevertheless believe that this attitude of women being embarrassed by their attraction to men is harmful to women. It further promotes their isolation, it pushes us further online, and does not yield true liberation from the institutional harm youβre highlighting.
I agree with this and appreciate that you continue to call this out. I think it makes sense to see this reactionary attitude as both natural and understandable without necessarily deeming it "right" or productive. It is a predictable symptom of the institutional harm that comes from patriarchal structures, but that does not make it an efficacious cure by any means.
There's also an aspect of avoiding not just the embarassment of internet ridicule, but also one's own self-perception. People often aren't the prize they think they are, or lack the skill to flirt without a clear path to learning, or have a delusional idea of what they can ask for in a relationship. Throwing yourself into the dating scene is a reality check that shatters the blissful ignorance, or at least doesn't slap you in the face with what you might know and fear.
Of course, the only way out of this is through too, so you just have to leverage that it's more embarassing to remain delulu than it is to make peace with who you are (or who you are at the moment, at least).
Dating means failure and rejection for both men and women. You will pick and get in relationships that do not work. You will bond with the wrong man or woman. It's just the fact, the nature of the game.
You will embarrass yourself, you will feel like a used idiot sometimes.
This is fact.
The important take away is to learn from your mistakes as a human being looking for love and a second half.
Much like how the whole world is going to hell because of online politics, clickbait, AI, etc... the only way to be free is to UNPLUG and stop listening to the loudest and the discourse, that includes sexual politics!
I really think the internet is a net negative wrt relationships. People basically either have to opt in and gain connection at the cost of having to listen to what other turds think, or opt out of connection altogether. You could opt in an ignore the turds, but people are not brave, as you wrote. Nice piece, I never thought about embarrassment as a driver.
anyway, I hated the vogue article with a burning passion. it was so chronically online - I would have been so much more interested to read about that republican comment in more detail. or see if there were any interviews / thoughts on whether the sentiment was reflected in queer couples. bah
Unlike your previous (wrong) take about niceness being what gets you a relationship, this is a good article. People must be willing to fail in search of relationships, and we shouldn't shame them for failing.
Great post! Thereβs a risk inherent to love, and it seems many today are unwilling to take that risk or any others. We forget we cannot experience life fully without taking some risks! Nothing worth doingβstarting a business, moving to a new city or country, or falling in loveβis 100% safe, but itβs not going to be the end of the world if it doesnβt work. https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/the-burdens-of-attraction-and-performance
Sees new Magdalene Taylor essay.
Immediately hits βlikeβ to show my enthusiasm.
Living with two distinct personalities, one that has to show solidarity and nonchalance online, and another that inwardly yearns for connection and romance, is depressing in its own right. No one gets a chance to rest in their identity, to just follow a path and reap the rewards of it. The whole act is so tiring that it's easier to opt out and let the exhaustion overtake the passion. Vulnerability is now so public and so high cost that the risk/benefit math just doesn't outweigh sitting at home and consuming content anymore. We've got to break out of this little Fear Cave and take risks again, both social and emotional.
Sex in the Age of Appearance (the internet age) has now been distilled to its ultimate essence: no sex! Surprise, surprise, how convenient for the forces of unbridled monetization. How about we turn it off, so we can get turned on (again)?
i've heard from plenty of guys that they don't want to date women because they don't want to be the subject of a ranty TikTok. so yeah, dating today feels like navigating a mine field. one wrong move and *BOOM*
and i also blame social media for a lot of this. people have always wanted outside validation for the choices they make, but in the before times, these were people who were in your social circle in real life i.e. friends and family who usually knew and understood the nuances and context of your relationship. now we want validation from literal strangers; people who we have never met and very likely will never meet. not only that, but these strangers can often number in the millions. pile ones from this is vastly different than a friend or relative critiquing your boyfriend.
at this point, i honestly believe the human brain just wasn't meant to access this much information from this many sources.
part of the problem now is people go out of their way to embarass people with romantic feelings. i've seen many, many screenshots from dating apps posted online to basically say "Look at this fucking loser!"
of course people don't wanna be embarassed in front of millions on Twitter or whatever
Youβve made this point in past posts, but I do think that the fundamental difference between young women with an anti-men/dating mindset and groypers is the foundation of institutional harm that comes to women in relational and sexual spaces. Not saying you have to acknowledge this every time, but felt worth resurfacing here. At the same time, I do agree that we (young women and those dating men) have to actively resist the urge to stoop to the level of incels. Not necessarily for the sake of taking the high road or the more elegant solution to avoid looking angry, but for the sake of adopting an attitude that is conducive to effectively improving and repairing gender relations in the long-term.
To ignore the institutional harm that's been going on for as long as we can remember is why I can't take the notion that it's "the inverse" seriously. It's not the inverse when no institution exists that harms men and boys the same way as women and girls.
Women reacting as they are now, being embarrassed to be seen liking men, is way more normal and safe for women than men and their assertions that women are to blame for their lack of agency and forward momentum in their lives.
I understand that, and I have addressed repeatedly throughout my work that misogyny and misandry are functionally and materially not the same thing. However, I nevertheless believe that this attitude of women being embarrassed by their attraction to men is harmful to women. It further promotes their isolation, it pushes us further online, and does not yield true liberation from the institutional harm youβre highlighting.
I agree with this and appreciate that you continue to call this out. I think it makes sense to see this reactionary attitude as both natural and understandable without necessarily deeming it "right" or productive. It is a predictable symptom of the institutional harm that comes from patriarchal structures, but that does not make it an efficacious cure by any means.
There's also an aspect of avoiding not just the embarassment of internet ridicule, but also one's own self-perception. People often aren't the prize they think they are, or lack the skill to flirt without a clear path to learning, or have a delusional idea of what they can ask for in a relationship. Throwing yourself into the dating scene is a reality check that shatters the blissful ignorance, or at least doesn't slap you in the face with what you might know and fear.
Of course, the only way out of this is through too, so you just have to leverage that it's more embarassing to remain delulu than it is to make peace with who you are (or who you are at the moment, at least).
Dating means failure and rejection for both men and women. You will pick and get in relationships that do not work. You will bond with the wrong man or woman. It's just the fact, the nature of the game.
You will embarrass yourself, you will feel like a used idiot sometimes.
This is fact.
The important take away is to learn from your mistakes as a human being looking for love and a second half.
Much like how the whole world is going to hell because of online politics, clickbait, AI, etc... the only way to be free is to UNPLUG and stop listening to the loudest and the discourse, that includes sexual politics!
I really think the internet is a net negative wrt relationships. People basically either have to opt in and gain connection at the cost of having to listen to what other turds think, or opt out of connection altogether. You could opt in an ignore the turds, but people are not brave, as you wrote. Nice piece, I never thought about embarrassment as a driver.
can't believe my previous comment didn't POST
anyway, I hated the vogue article with a burning passion. it was so chronically online - I would have been so much more interested to read about that republican comment in more detail. or see if there were any interviews / thoughts on whether the sentiment was reflected in queer couples. bah
Unlike your previous (wrong) take about niceness being what gets you a relationship, this is a good article. People must be willing to fail in search of relationships, and we shouldn't shame them for failing.
or maybe it's growth and overtime the embarrassment gets alchemized into courage and authenticity
This is amazing writing. Well done. It really made me reflect.
if that was true, how did you explain my entire existence
Say more
Great post! Thereβs a risk inherent to love, and it seems many today are unwilling to take that risk or any others. We forget we cannot experience life fully without taking some risks! Nothing worth doingβstarting a business, moving to a new city or country, or falling in loveβis 100% safe, but itβs not going to be the end of the world if it doesnβt work. https://getbettersoon.substack.com/p/the-burdens-of-attraction-and-performance