As a father who would only appear briefly in a scene with the Main Character mid-way through the plot, let me offer this observation: distilled through the lens of decades of living, the narrative of one’s life is always interesting. You don’t have to force weak plot points or mediocre character introductions. Following your own interests, nourishing key friendships, and making tough decisions when they arise will always provide you with a unique and fascinating story. It may not fit into the timeframe of a TikTok video, but it will be yours.
Regarding whether men suffer from this main character syndrome in dating, I definitely think so, but in a more subdued way since right now, there isn't as much of a (respectable) market for guys' wacky dating stories. Plus, a guy who talks too openly about dating is likely to get judged by others, including other guys, as either being too gossipy or insecure.
But when I go on dates, I certainly see it as a chance to meet interesting women that I never would've gotten to know otherwise, which in turn makes my own life more intriguing (as befitting a main character as opposed to an extra). Especially when I was younger and more inexperienced, I resented pressures to settle down and remove myself from this dating game. It felt like people were telling me that there were these wealth of experiences that were to be had, but only for the true main characters of society, and I wasn't one of them: "Know your place, NPC."
I thought cats were self-absorbed, until I read this. At the same time, rahter than being cotnent to live their lives, humans always seem to be seeking some kind of external validation.
It’s great to hear that cool, less vapid and materialistic women of a certain age still like to have romantic adventures with bad boy losers in the LES.
This was my experience back in the 90’s. I was a passionate creative with undiagnosed ADHD making my rounds in the art scene and dating women mostly in the advertising industry.
Your description fits me perfectly, cute deadbeat sleeping on a mattress in the basement of a more well known artist friend. I offered adventure, intense moody romance and very little else. These women tended to be very pretty, stylish and successful, no idea what they saw in me. I definitely gave them all stories to tell and plenty to complain about.
Glad to hear that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
What if we let ourselves be guided by our needs — for companionship, for security, for excitement, etc — and checked out how we were feeling with the people we were on a date with? At least at first. Maybe let ourselves get more primal about it. That’s what I have done — although I am not a young single female New Yorker but a divorced male New Yorker in his fifties. You have to assume good intentions — that to some extent if you are feeling something about some one they are feeling something comparable about you. The plot here might be more along the lines of a two-handed love story where both characters are growing and changing at the same time because they are letting themselves be influenced by one another.
I don't recall this word in your essay, but one of the things I think comes with Main Character Energy is "agency". If you're the main character, you drive the action (or at least the portion you choose). You did describe that. I had this energy most of my life. Even as a child. And definitely well into adulthood. I BELIEVE it was healthy for me. I try to consider the effect of my actions on other people and adjust. But it was MY story I was living. The point of me weighing in is that getting a little older, I've developed some health problems and have some debt from a failed business. And for the first time in my life - and I am VERY AWARE of it - I don't have Main Character Energy. And it's because I don't feel I have agency. There is a young woman I talk to a lot. I'm not certain, but might like more with her. But while I have the confidence to broach the subject, I have no plans to. I feel like my life is consumed with those things that rob me of agency, and so, I don't drive my plot in ways I use to. It's an energy I definitely want to recover. Anyway, enjoyed your essay. Thanks.
Being in the situation of "a friend from college who is *definitely* in love with her", when we reconnected on Hinge and was dumped a few months later it can be hard to feel sympathy. To me it feels like hearing a millionaire bemoaning to their staff that they aren't a billionaire.
Why do people think you lose your main character status when you commit to a good partner long term?
Also I don't think it's bleak that a writer focuses on educating women to evaluate a partner beyond looks and income. The only bleak part about it is that young men and women haven't learned this lesson yet.
As a father who would only appear briefly in a scene with the Main Character mid-way through the plot, let me offer this observation: distilled through the lens of decades of living, the narrative of one’s life is always interesting. You don’t have to force weak plot points or mediocre character introductions. Following your own interests, nourishing key friendships, and making tough decisions when they arise will always provide you with a unique and fascinating story. It may not fit into the timeframe of a TikTok video, but it will be yours.
More young people need to see this.
Great essay, Magdalene. To continue your metaphor: if you're thinking about yourself as a "character," you've already lost the plot.
Regarding whether men suffer from this main character syndrome in dating, I definitely think so, but in a more subdued way since right now, there isn't as much of a (respectable) market for guys' wacky dating stories. Plus, a guy who talks too openly about dating is likely to get judged by others, including other guys, as either being too gossipy or insecure.
But when I go on dates, I certainly see it as a chance to meet interesting women that I never would've gotten to know otherwise, which in turn makes my own life more intriguing (as befitting a main character as opposed to an extra). Especially when I was younger and more inexperienced, I resented pressures to settle down and remove myself from this dating game. It felt like people were telling me that there were these wealth of experiences that were to be had, but only for the true main characters of society, and I wasn't one of them: "Know your place, NPC."
I thought cats were self-absorbed, until I read this. At the same time, rahter than being cotnent to live their lives, humans always seem to be seeking some kind of external validation.
Odd.
It’s great to hear that cool, less vapid and materialistic women of a certain age still like to have romantic adventures with bad boy losers in the LES.
This was my experience back in the 90’s. I was a passionate creative with undiagnosed ADHD making my rounds in the art scene and dating women mostly in the advertising industry.
Your description fits me perfectly, cute deadbeat sleeping on a mattress in the basement of a more well known artist friend. I offered adventure, intense moody romance and very little else. These women tended to be very pretty, stylish and successful, no idea what they saw in me. I definitely gave them all stories to tell and plenty to complain about.
Glad to hear that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
What if we let ourselves be guided by our needs — for companionship, for security, for excitement, etc — and checked out how we were feeling with the people we were on a date with? At least at first. Maybe let ourselves get more primal about it. That’s what I have done — although I am not a young single female New Yorker but a divorced male New Yorker in his fifties. You have to assume good intentions — that to some extent if you are feeling something about some one they are feeling something comparable about you. The plot here might be more along the lines of a two-handed love story where both characters are growing and changing at the same time because they are letting themselves be influenced by one another.
I don't recall this word in your essay, but one of the things I think comes with Main Character Energy is "agency". If you're the main character, you drive the action (or at least the portion you choose). You did describe that. I had this energy most of my life. Even as a child. And definitely well into adulthood. I BELIEVE it was healthy for me. I try to consider the effect of my actions on other people and adjust. But it was MY story I was living. The point of me weighing in is that getting a little older, I've developed some health problems and have some debt from a failed business. And for the first time in my life - and I am VERY AWARE of it - I don't have Main Character Energy. And it's because I don't feel I have agency. There is a young woman I talk to a lot. I'm not certain, but might like more with her. But while I have the confidence to broach the subject, I have no plans to. I feel like my life is consumed with those things that rob me of agency, and so, I don't drive my plot in ways I use to. It's an energy I definitely want to recover. Anyway, enjoyed your essay. Thanks.
This is so good!!
Fascinating read. Thank you!
Being in the situation of "a friend from college who is *definitely* in love with her", when we reconnected on Hinge and was dumped a few months later it can be hard to feel sympathy. To me it feels like hearing a millionaire bemoaning to their staff that they aren't a billionaire.
Bad Billy Pratt of killtoparty and Delicious Tacos are the male versions of this.
Why do people think you lose your main character status when you commit to a good partner long term?
Also I don't think it's bleak that a writer focuses on educating women to evaluate a partner beyond looks and income. The only bleak part about it is that young men and women haven't learned this lesson yet.
The more interfaces there are, the less chances there are for Love to appear.
I loved this piece!!! Thank you!!! 🙏🏻