Revisiting Desire
thinking about what it is exactly I write about, and what I'd like to write about here
Hello, and welcome to PAWG Blog. It’s been several months since my last installment — nearly a year, actually. That is due entirely to the fact that I started this Substack unemployed, and I have not been unemployed since mid-July. I’m back as a staff writer at MEL, and therefore any writing I do beyond work entitles me to a spiritual treat of one million dollars. For that reason, I do not get much other writing done. But, at the present, I am feeling a particular call to write for myself, without much of an agenda, and still share it with the world. And so, I hope to return to you here.
Recently, I have been asking myself what it is I write about. I get asked by other people all the time, what my beat is. I usually say something like “sex and internet culture,” which is accurate. It’s also terribly broad, and ultimately says nothing. While “internet culture” may be the most troubling in its ambiguity, it’s actually the “sex” part that worries me the most. Am I a sex writer? If so, does that immediately render me “sex positive?” I’d actually consider myself to be somewhat sex critical, if anything. I write about sex, particularly little niches of how sex is consumed on the Internet, mostly because I am curious about what it reflects about our greater selves and culture, about desire writ large. I don’t necessarily write about it because I like a specific topic or approve, but that’s possibly also not the job of a “good” writer in this context, anyway.
Over the winter and spring, the sexualized internet labels I’ve been associated with — PAWG, Instagram thot — shifted. While these certainly still stand, they’re less on my mind as of late. This is thanks to my new comrades, the beta men. Back in December, I came across a subreddit called r/CensoredForBetas. The concept of the subreddit is essentially that adult content, or even just photos that are sort of sexy, ought to be censored for the men who aren’t worthy of seeing it, the betas. Of crucial note, this plight is primarily self-made. Nobody is relegating men to the position of beta without their consent, though some may feel strongly pushed by the cultural forces that have made such a binary. Rather, these are men who feel within their hearts that being a beta male is simply who they are. While there are few things cornier in my mind than someone self-describing as an alpha male and calling others “betas” as an insult, to know oneself as a beta seems to me like a rather gorgeous spot of liberating, self-aware submission. There are over 50,000 people in this subreddit, so I won’t speak of them all as a monolith, but from an abstract standpoint, IDing as a beta male is a rejection of the confines of masculinity even if it still positions itself within those confines. Many of these are men who say, “I will never be an alpha male, so why try? It’s better to accept my place in a socially lower ring, and to find joy in this, regardless.”
A secondary part of this role, as the subreddit title suggests, is that many rather strictly only view censored content. Many do not watch any porn, or otherwise only see what pixelated offerings are available on Reddit. Many have even installed programs to their computer that pixelate every image on the Internet for them. I do ultimately have some admiration for this practice — at a time when literally almost every type of erotic image is available for free online, at any time, these are people choosing to discipline themselves in a very specific way. Of course, it does not always translate this way: the caveat for some interested in censorship is that they are allowed to look at the male portion of porn, and are only restricted from looking at the woman as a sort of hypnosis, convincing themselves that they so unworthy of women that they might as well turn their interests away from women, entirely. And so, basically, some just end up looking at penises all the time.
But even so, as “beta” men, members of the group do not believe they should be given the honor of seeing a woman as she presents herself for the world, nor do they believe themselves capable of handling such a sight if they were. As I wrote at the time for MEL, “By keeping everything hidden, perpetually waiting to be revealed, their desires remain forever unfulfilled — which, of course, is exactly how they like it.”
In any case, this article I wrote about the beta community became rather popular among them. I’ve written numerous articles about niche subreddits and never heard from anyone involved in them again, but this one was different. Many betas seemed excited to be acknowledged and written about, and frankly, it became lucrative and fun for me to keep in contact. But more than just a boon for my online presence and finances, it’s gotten me thinking more deeply about desire. While the relationship here with betas and desire is relatively apparent, if not still complicated, I’ve begun looking for the threads of desire in everything. This can be the desire for truth, status, comfort — most often, the connection here with these desires to those of sex and death are relatively apparent, if not still complicated, too.
Desire, then, has become the sort of guiding principle behind much of my writing as of late. It’s further something I hope to explore here, in more casual, bloggy form. Sometimes I might write about something that seems entirely unrelated, but what’s fun about the theme of desire is that I can always delude myself into thinking it is somehow linked. More than anything, I just want a little bit of a platform that feels like my own to play with. And so, that’s what I will try to have this be. Unless, of course, you don’t hear from me again for another ten months. In that event, forget I said any of this.
More writing I’ve done on beta culture, and other unrelated things I’d like to share:
Vox writer Terry Nguyen published this essay in May about the collapse of trends — with TikTok collapsing every minor symbol and aesthetic into something momentarily (and perhaps monetarily) consumable, nothing can maintain true meaning. I think, or hope, that some of this tendency is purely solipsistic, that it doesn’t reflect much about the way actual living subcultures persist outside of the TikTok sphere. But I’m certainly thinking more about my own role as a writer who often covers trends and actually has quite a bit of fun doing so.
Urbit: I’m on it now. Please share your thoughts/recommendations/critiques.
i am beta male and i've accepted it. am quite young but the future is all about being involuntarily celibate for me. i'm so glad this is becoming mainstream thanks to amazing writers like you. being a simp or beta orbiter isn't a bad thing, someone has to do it and nature decides who does it. instead of being upset or angry towards women about it betas should accept reality, it's not their fault you are being friendzoned. sure you can try to get out of it but for some beta males its incredibly difficult so instead making peace with it is the best choice. It gives you a purpose and a role, supporting females emotionally and making life easier for them while you get your emotional/ social needs met as well. It's a good for all parties involved.
Thank you for writing about beta sexuality. As you wrote about in your original article, pussy free betas have turned being involuntary celibates into a choice to remain pussy free and turn to censored porn. I'm a 32 year old virgin beta locked in chastity and have embraced my beta sexuality and the pussy free censored lifestyle. I serve my female friends and Dommes through domestic service such as doing chores and running errands. Accepting my beta sexuality has brought me peace and unburdened me from trying to be a "man." I can now refocus my sexual frustration into sexual energy to better serve as a sub.