"When did sl*t-shaming come back? Did it ever leave?"

Advice for Our Sexual Culture Part VI: young neo-Puritans, the "half your age plus 7" rule, dead bedrooms and the problem with feeling "valid"

Hello and welcome to Many Such Cases.

As I highlighted last week, we have hit 15,000 subscribers here! As such, I’ve been offering half off paid subscriptions — but today is the last day! Please consider supporting me in dissecting our sexual culture, challenging the gender war and figuring out what the hell we’re all doing in our romantic lives. Thank you and I love you.

Today for the advice column, I discuss the hot topic of dead bedrooms, help a young woman figure out how and why slut shaming is a thing again, question whether age gaps are weird and discuss why maybe feeling “validated” is actually a bit overrated with a trans woman one year into her transition. Got a question or topic for me? You can still submit that here.

---

Twice in a row now I've somehow ended up in a deadbed Room relationship. I 30 partner 27. Been together 5 years and somehow have the uncanny power to turn the most pro sex liberated women into a nun. Started as the normal dry spells and now nothing. This is a relationship I value and have no interest in jumping ship to open up. Just curious if my opining make any sense. I wonder how much hypesexuality in truth is truly just peacocking for women, after a data point of 2 ( cause im so great at sampling) there is a sense so much of that type of the advertising at the start of most relationship to seem like bait and switch. Kinda at the point where I think 90% women are just not that into sex the way men are and even the 10% are pretending. Or maybe I'm just not hot. Either ways figured the topic of dead bed rooms was something you haven't touched on before so figured I'd be the sacrificial lamb. — “30 year old male, carribean american, bisexual”

This is a type of question I often receive for which I wish I had a better answer. So often in my work I tell people to have more sex. Okay, how? Of course, my assertion is more philosophical in nature than it is an individual prescription. It doesn’t quite sound like you want an individual prescription, anyway.

Here is generally what I think happens for many couples: early in a relationship, sex comes relatively freely and easily because it is both exciting and expected. We want to highlight ourselves as sexually available and pleasing to the person we’re forming this bond with. Over time, the expectation and the excitement wane. For many women, I think this becomes the point of contention. Our desire is no longer triggered by the newness of it all, and we meanwhile don’t feel as though we’re expected to perform sexually in the honeymoon phase. At this turn, though, many women might start to form the idea that something is “wrong” with them. They start to believe that they no longer really “like” sex. And they adopt this as their reality.

Sex, however, requires work. It requires effort. That’s an unpopular thing to say because it makes it seem less fun, less natural. And for many, the idea that something so fun and natural requires work and effort contributes to that idea that something is “wrong.” Shouldn’t they always already want sex? Isn’t it some sort of sign that they don’t? And there the overthinking begins. It’s not the effort itself that kills off the fun of sex, it’s the overthinking.

For men and women alike, I believe long-term sexual health in a relationship will require intentionality. Sex is an important part of the majority of relationships, full stop. Yes, its importance might lessen with time, and there are indeed couples who mutually do not make sex a priority and are happy and healthy. But if one member of a couple is lamenting a lack of sex in the relationship, they are obviously not part of this category. It’s fine that you want sex.

Couples in these types of scenarios likely need to ascertain what it is that will reignite the desire of the partner who has become less interested in sex. Maybe you are relying on the same techniques of seduction that you did when the relationship began, but that aforementioned excitement and expectation no longer work in eliciting desire from your partner in the way they did before. Generally speaking, men’s desire is considered “spontaneous,” in that they can be ready to go at any given moment or at any little hint, whereas women’s desire is considered “responsive,” requiring some intentional care, flirtation, foreplay — or even just a clean kitchen.

Maybe your partner really is just done having sex with you, and you need to decide whether you can live with that or leave. In all likelihood, there is still some negotiation at play. Women are not tricking you into sexless relationships. This isn’t some intentional sabotage. She likely does need to reevaluate what she wants from sex and reconsider the notion that there is nothing wrong with sex requiring effort. As her partner, however, you need to evaluate whether your own efforts can achieve her wants.

---

I struggle with understanding the current pulse of sexuality for Gen Z/Millenials. There have been so many conversations with friends and peers, about dating app culture, the lolita-fixation on pop stars like Sabrina Carpenter (who are fully grown adults), the rights and wrongs of hookup culture, do people even hook up anymore (they do), monogamish/open relationships, and queerness smothered in between all of this. I’m in my mid twenties, single, living in NYC, and have experienced some of the best and worst sex of my life in the past six months. These were all from in-person meet ups at bars, clubs, and overall nightlife in the city. The reaction to an active sex life from friends, especially those very seriously coupled, gets me allll sorts of twisted. When did we all become dedicated, devout, Christian-coded girlies in monogamous relationships?? When did slut shaming come back?? Did it ever leave?? I guess that’s on my mind. – “26F, Asian baddie that likes it all ways”