Do Unstylish Men Deserve Love?

Advice for Our Sexual Culture: swag gaps, the flightiness of contemporary dating and re-entering a world of desire.

Hello and welcome to Many Such Cases.

I hope you’ve all been well. It has been a busy spring blossoming into an even busier summer. I feel there is much I could riff on — Euphoria discourse, whether you should buy your date an Uber to the date discourse, whatever else I’ve been grateful to miss. Instead, I am returning to the advice column. A few weeks back, I sent out this form (which is still open!) to my readers, and several of you wrote in with your questions. What a joy it is to get the opportunity to grapple with the reality of people’s lives and not… discourse! Today, I talk about swag gaps (i.e. when one person in a relationship is more stylish than the other), whether people today are too quick to bail on dating and grappling with a lack of motivation for sex.

I’d love for you to consider contributing your questions, and if you have already and I didn’t get to it today, don’t worry — it’s coming! The link is below, as is Type O Negative’s “Summer Breeze” to capture the tone of the season.

Advice for Our Sexual Culture - Anonymous Question Submissions

I am curious about your take on the swag gap phenomenon — is it a valid ick? As someone who cares about aesthetics, but has been made to feel guilty / shallow about it, I have been thinking about this a lot. For context I also live in DC where so many men are so completely devoid of vibe it’s crazy. To me, curating a style (whether or not it is similar to my own) can be a really important way to signal certain values / express yourself / show effort / can be a huge difference maker in terms of attraction … idk maybe this is not that deep ? What are your thoughts? — 25-year-old woman in D.C.

One of the many consequences of social media and phones dominating both our culture and our communication is that they have flattened the ways in which a person can represent themselves. There is somewhat of an expectation that we all feel adept at expressing ourselves through specific visual and written cues, when I’m unsure that is really everyone’s strong suit. Digital representation has of course translated into real-world style: normie fashion, I think, has become increasingly bland as a result. In the past you could far more easily rely on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt as your method of dressing. Today, the average consumer with no subcultural or fashion leanings is being sold zip-up vests and hybrid dress shoe sneakers. Not just devoid of a vibe, it perhaps an affront to vibes everywhere.

Men are thus in a difficult position. Style is the preeminent way in which we depict ourselves, and if it’s not natural to you, you’re stuck wearing something kind of stupid. You’re right that it is a way of showing effort, though. I’d like to think it’s possible for a guy to read GQ and shop at Uniqlo and at least look presentable. We can’t really expect everyone to be devoted to Blackbird Spyplane. They’d all look the same if they did—which I do increasingly find to be the case among fashion-y men.

Looking for men who have zero swag gap with you would likely limit your pool of eligible men, and probably not even in a way you’d like. Looking a bit beyond cool clothes, you may find that these aesthetically not-that-cool men share your interests in books, film, politics, whatever else. For many people, this is where they signal their values and express themselves. I am not at all trying to say that style is some sort of trite way of expressing yourself in comparison, by the way. I don’t think it is shallow to consider!

But style is something that can evolve, and quickly. It is something you can help shape for a man, if you are so inclined. And despite how often people use the framing of “she is a gorgeous goddess and he is… just some guy” to discuss heterosexual couples, I think there’s a bit of a fondness there for that dynamic. In fact, I think it is quite chic for a woman to aesthetically outshine her partner. It suggests a good deal of confidence on his part, and a self-assuredness on hers.

I’ve heard the stories about how my parents met and how other people’s parents met and there’s one part that I hear in 90% of them: the woman just didn’t really like the man when they first met. They thought he was arrogant or not very handsome or didn’t like the way he dressed of something was off. Even the girls I dating before the apps came along I wouldn’t say they liked me a lot at first. But eventually they came around to me.

I know women’s attraction is just a lot different than men’s attraction. It takes a long time for them to get on board with somebody. But with all there dating apps it’s never been easier for a woman to bail if she’s not on board. As a man, I’m just not gonna be worn down like that. I know if I want a woman or not when I see her and when I get to know her I learn if she’s somebody I want to go for. I think one reason that’s not talked about why people aren’t dating as much as they used to is because it’s never been easier for women to bail if they don’t like something about a guy. When they really need more time to get to know someone. Do you agree with this? — 41-year-old man in Buffalo

I was just revisiting some data this morning from the Survey Center on American Life that deals primarily with pessimism toward dating and the political gap between men and women. Within this, though, they also explored whether men and women are open to the idea of “second chances” after a bad first date. Only 16 percent of men and 11 percent of women say they would probably or definitely be willing to go on a second date with a person they met on a dating app if the first date didn’t go well. When people meet through mutual friends or close friends, however, those odds jump up to around 50 percent for men and 40 percent for women.

This data obviously doesn’t tell us a ton about what qualifies as a bad date, but we can at least infer that statistically, yes, people are more likely to bail today. More dates starting on apps + people being less likely to offer second chances to bad first dates = more bailing, at least in this framework. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. People might simply be going on more bad dates, or are employing a freedom in their selection that some didn’t have before.

But, there is probably some truth to the idea that some people today might be too quick to bail, and that the nature of contemporary dating actually encourages it. Attraction for women, as you noted, is different than for men. It is more likely to build and respond rather than occur spontaneously. A feeling of a lack of attraction, however—the ick, as it’s often called—often does occur spontaneously. It can happen at the slightest thing, and many women feel that this sensation is itself a sign to jump ship. Sometimes they might be right, sometimes they might not. I do tend to agree that there is a pervasive flightiness to dating and romance today, one not very conducive to deep connection or love. People are afraid of “wasting their time.” It would indeed be better if we encouraged a world where we each felt more at liberty to stop and pause and let our emotions unfold.

I’m recently out of a five-year long relationship, we ended it in December 2025. While we broke up for many reasons, including growing in different ways as people, one of the main reasons I wanted to end the relationship was because of our lack of sex.

I’m a very sexual person and feel a deep connection to sexual acts, which, for lack of better words, makes me feel connected to the universe. Orgasms don’t even have to happen, it’s simply the energy and the aura that feels so important to me. In that five-year long relationship, we rarely had sex for the last 2 to 3 years due to various issues. Mostly, my partner was just not interested in sex, but I very much was.

Since our break up, I’ve moved to a new city living in an apartment all on my own and generally feel really good. I’m developing a community here although it isn’t totally solidified. I’ve had some Feeld experiences, have dipped my toes into Fetlife. And in general, I know that I don’t want a relationship, but I would like to explore my sexuality.

This is the problem, though, I’m not super motivated to do so. If I don’t connect with somebody quickly, then I won’t want to meet up with them in person. But if I don’t meet up with them in person over a drink, how am I supposed to get to know them? It’s a conundrum that I’m trying to navigate. I know I should be easy on myself, because in the grand scheme of things my relationship has just ended. But, I’m not looking forward to first dates and just the general effort and disappointment that can go into even finding a friends with benefits.

Just tonight as I’m writing this, a seemingly nice man wanted to meet up with me, but I found every excuse in my brain to not to. I’m 30, and spent most of my 20s in long-term relationships so a part of me also feels a sense of urgency in my youth slipping away, I guess?

Do you have any advice for me? Words of encouragement? Or do I just need to chill the fuck out? — 30-year-old woman in Columbus, Ohio

I don’t think it’s at all abnormal that sex is not one of your primary pursuits in this phase of your life. You just departed a long-term relationship, and you are finding your place in a new city. It is something to me that doesn’t require much intellectualizing—in fact, I’d discourage it. Chilling the fuck out is probably what you need, and it sounds like it’s also what your body wants. There is some chance here that you are just comfortable in the routine of not having sex, and that it will require some patience and effort with yourself to get out of that routine. For many people, I think sex is not the priority because that is just an easier way of being. It’s less work.

But you are doing the work already, it seems. You’re poking around on apps and gaining opportunities for intimacy. As I mentioned to the person above, I do think we are in a particularly noncommittal cultural era. If we don’t have an instant connection, we want to bail. I would suggest that maybe you explore meeting these potential dates without any expectations. No need to have sex, no need to even like each other. Let it play out for whatever it is. Give desire the opportunity to be cultivated, even if that doesn’t happen.

Like you said, sex is so often more about the aura and energy than it is the physical pleasure. In meeting new people, exploring things open-endedly, I think much of this energy and aura can grow. You might also find in this stage of your life that you are interested in cultivating that energy with yourself, that there is value in the intimacy you share alone. That has a lot of value. It isn’t at all wasted time.

Above all, though, I do want to emphasize that you really do have time. It is totally fine for this to be an adjustment period, and you have many many years left to have the sex you imagine yourself having. Be patient and kind to yourself, and the desire will come.